every little thing is gonna be allright.

I'm realizing now more than ever how much i don't do, or even do, because of what other people think. It's scary, actually, the stuff that I hold back from. Decisions for little everday things to pretty monumental choices are constantly being battled in my head. I look at every decision from every point of view, and no matter what I decide to do, I disappoint somebody.
I'm almost 24 years old, and I'm finally realizing how crucial it is to get control of this issue, or I will lose my life to other people's thoughts.
How narcassistic as well is this? That I would think other people are scrutinizing my life so closley...it's sickening to my stomach actually to realize that this is who I'm on the road to becoming. But I can stop it.
Little changes, here and there. Soon little changes produce big changes.
I like who I am, and I'd like to embrace it. There's just one person who I need to try and please, and even He doesn't ask much of me. Just love Him and others. He'll take it from there.

I want to write this as an encouragment mainly... It's never too late to change. We're constantly on the path to becoming who we will be, and as long as we're open to scrutinize our little bubbles and accept changes, I think every little thing is gonna be allright.
(humming.)

the beginning of a very long journey

It's obvious that we don't have much choice in who we are born to, adopted by, or how we are raised. Yet the way we are brought up in this world (our influences, family life, religious beliefs, etc) determines much of our outlook on life. But that's not to say its the sole factor. You can observe many families who raise children the same exact way and yet each child grows up to live life differently from the rest. So what does that elude to?

We have, as individual people, personality traits. (You can thank me for that shocking and not obvious thought later.) These traits lead us in life; they become our nemeses and our strengths, our motives and regrets, and the reasons why people love you and, quite possibly, hate you. From birth they reveal themselves. There's the logical 5 year old, or the 3 year old who can sing on pitch. There's the baby that's prone to dominate over its twin... which brings me to the point of this.

Isaac, son of Abraham, bore two sons: Jacob and Esau. Genesis 25:22-27 says:

"But the 2 children struggled with each other in her [Rebekah's] womb....The Lord told her, 'The sons in your womb will become to nations. From the very beginning, the two nations will be rivals... and your older son will serve your younger son'...As the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter. He was an outdoorsman, but Jacob had a quiet temperament, preferring to stay at home".

On my journey to discover the balance between predestination and freewill as a believer in Jesus Christ, I am hit with this thought (which is subject to change):

Who we are and how we are brought into the world is planned.

The things in life we will have to struggle with and the things that will be easy to overcome are no surprise to the Creator, because He intentionally created it to be as such. It's how we choose to react to ourselves and what we're given that is our choice.

I'm well aware that it seems easier for some to believe in God. I don't understand why, but I believe that God may present himself more vividly and clearly to some and others. As far as Biblical examples go, take Paul. Who can argue with a blinding light and an audible voice from heaven? Yet there are some of us who beg for a whisper and are lucky to get that. I think that the ones Jesus calls in such a grand manner serve as an encouragement to those who are begging for that whisper. This is another conversation though, and work calls.