bumper cars and bubbles

Today was one of those days when, while driving, everyone was ticking me off. That's not extremely uncommon, being as I am among those "jersey drivers". But today was slightly different. It was as if everyone around me was purposely cutting me off, going slow, or just driving stupid. Even while trying to food shop I kept thinking to myself : "THIS IS NOT BUMPER CARS".

yeah, one of those.

So, as I was food shopping, my mind kept leaping back to my "bubble thoughts", as I affectionately call them now. I realized I was getting so frustrated when someone was just bending over in the aisle... the whoooole aisle mind you... and not aware I was trying to get by. I suppose its not that big of a deal, but after 3 aisles with people blocking? Well, that was just annoying. Yes, I'm well aware of my impatient temperament at this point. (Side note? never food shop when you're starving and cranky. Especially when you're cranky from hunger.) So as I'm trying to get myself to breathe as though I'm in labor, it dawns on me that I've fallen into a certain bubble syndrome that I have spent so much time condemning in my own thoughts. That of- "I'M trying to do something, and YOU'RE in my way". When we plan our days and actions, we don't really account for the woman blocking the aisle, or the car cutting us off, or the cashier lady who doesn't really know what she's doing. I guess it's unrealistic to be able to plan for them specifically, but I think that there's got to be a way to plan generally.

I love the Hillsong song that has this chorus:

"In my life, be lifted high

In our world, be lifted high

In our love, be lifted high"

The progression is that of as we grow spiritually... in MY life to OUR world, to OUR love.

When we let people into our lives, it's going to feel uncomfortable. Just as when you blow a balloon and begin to make it bigger, the walls get thinner, the pressure is evident. So it is in our lives when we make adjustments for others to join our personal bubbles.

I have a phrase I use a lot that I kind of stole from a 5 year old. "In my world... _____ (fill in the blank)". In my personal world rules are different than yours. But when we begin to care for people genuinely and let them into our worlds, the rules conflict and tensions rise, mainly because we have to learn to let a lot of our rules go. I am annoyed by that person because she's preventing me from doing what I had planned on doing in a timely manner.

suck it up.

I need to let my bubble grow, deal with the growing pains, let her inside my world for as long as she needs to be there, and let life take it's course. The resistance to growth will cause more pain in the end than the flexibility to allow your bubble to increase in patience and size.

"In my world" suddenly becomes "In our world"... and that, I believe, leads to Love.

There is no better proof of love, of all kinds, than to adjust for the needs of others. It's setting aside our personal rules and regulations to make room for someone else...and someone else...and someone else...

And remember, your view of the world is often distorted from the confines of your bubble. The imagery is skewed and the sizes vary. Some people's worlds are very small still, while others have started expanding. Some don't even realize they have a bubble at all.

beee.

I write this blog while sitting in Mexico City, Mexico. It's amazing how a place so far away and so different from your own natural environment can spur on a presence of peace and relaxation. Especially considering it'e one of the largest cities in the world... not exactly prime for getting some "quiet time". But, alas, I have found my zone and have checked out from my bubble... or rather, maybe I've checked in.

I'm really understanding how important it is to have a constant sense of "chillness" to our daily routine. It's incredible to me how busy we can keep ourselves in America, or anywhere for that matter...I guess it's just more common and easier in a society that constantly pushes us to keep moving. But while we're moving so fast, our brains hardly have the capacity to keep up and we end up losing so many of our good ideas and desires to the thought of working more and being more productive- and this doesn't only apply to work.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this blog right now... but I just feel so free. My brain has finally had a chance to catch up, and I'm feeling sane. I know I use working as an escape from thinking.. it's about the only thing that distracts me enough from my thoughts.

For the first time I'm truely understanding who I am, and being okay with that. I'm just a normal girl that makes mistakes. I'm finally grasping the fact that I've made mistakes, and it's ok. That I can't do everything perfect the first time, and that's ok. That failure is natural...and, shocker, ok.

You, whoever you may be that is reading this, are created intentionally and awesomely. (I love that word.. awesome. It's dated, I know. I don't care). But a lot of times we lose who we are by what we surround ourselves with... choose wisely what you choose to do with your time. Invest in things you care about, veg out with friends you love, surround yourself with people and things that inspire you.

As the genie from Aladdin would say: "Just beeee yourself". Relax, and allow yourself the freedom to be who you are.

crumblin' walls

I have been overwhelmed lately by the quality of people that are in my life. I guess I haven't stayed around anywhere long enough, or have been old enough to appreciate, the kind of friendships I've come to accumulate over the years. These last few months have been incredibly eyeopening for me to see the goods and bads of myself; things I've never known to exist. Through all this, though, my friendships have gotten stronger... or I am just more aware of how grateful I am to have friends that deal with my quirks.

I guess that's the thing though. We all have so many quirks. And sometimes I think it's healthy to recognize them, but other times I wish we didn't know ourselves so much... When we see the quirks we don't like, we can try to "fake it" and it can sometimes end us leading to be people we aren't and should never be. Our quirks are what make us US and the people that know them and still stick around are the ones that become our closest friends. There are six people I can think of who have seen me at my worst and best throughout the last 3 years, and I know I can consider them my closest friends...

This whole sticking around in one place thing is starting to freak me out. I'm getting ancy, and I'm wanting to pull away... but I can't. I'd actually miss people for more than a month. Sure I'd move on, but I have never had the support and love from friends that I have right now.

It's just getting that wall....that freakin' thick wall that is taking years to crumble... to finally crash down. I'm seeing over the top, and it scares me, but yet exciting too. True friendships require investing, being there, and being unselfish. I have a lot to work on. I'm just grateful for the amazing examples of true friends in my life to lead the way.