Christmas lights & a stolen heart

It's the afternoon of my 4th full day home. Upon arrival to the US, life has picked up exactly where it left off: sheer chaos. I sit in my popisson chair in the corner of my room and can't even see the floor... laundry hasn't even begun, gifts for people are still in their bags, and my bag is only seemingly unpacked b/c its half poured-out. Yet I sit here, writing, because I cannot get Rwanda out of my head.

Or my heart.

Jim Elliot once said "Wherever you are, be all there." How hard it is to be somewhere when you want to be somewhere else. I knew going on this trip would have an impact on me, but I didn't know to what extent. And I sure didn't think my experiences would have an impact on my Christmas decorating.

Since being home I have jumped right into some joyous events: a best friend's wedding and Thanksgiving, followed by a day of Christmas decorating (today) with my roommate. But as adrenaline crashes and emotions surge, I'm finding it harder and harder to muster a cheery and festive disposition. My thoughts are being enveloped by the people and country I have left just a few days ago.

It's so weird to have a place that's so far away feel so much like home. I know I don't look like I fit in, but it felt like I did. For one of the first times in a long time I felt a different sort of peace. The comfort of where I am right now is one of God's "you're being obedient and you're where you need to be." The assurance while I was there was more of a "this is what I was made for". And to leave that, well, it feels like you left your soul and your heart. Simply, it hurts.

To pick out one special moment from the limited 8 days I was there is absurd. To hone in on one beautiful child that changed me is out of the question. To even ask me to express one favorite thing about the country itself is silly. There is simply no way to narrow down the amount of physical, emotional, and cultural experiences I had in Rwanda to a top 3 list.

Throughout the experiences combined, though, I came to one conclusion: My personal purpose in this life is to come alongside those who have lost hope and help strengthen them through who Jesus Christ has made me to be. To never cease seeing people the way God does; to see people as loved and cherished and created with intentionality and a purpose beyond what our limited view can capture.

There are the questions I left Rwanda with, and oddly enough I have peace with all these questions. I know the questions will lead me somewhere. I know they are God-inspired because they are not overwhelming, but rather hopeful. The questions give me a hope that I am moving somewhere; I just have to pick up my feet and walk despite not knowing all the answers.

Rwanda has stolen my heart, and I hope one day to go back and retrieve it. But until then, I must learn how to "be all here" while walking into the unknown and trusting God will grab my hand and lead me onto the road He's marked out for me.

Hair Extensions, A Yellow Fever Card & 1 Pair of shoes.

In approximately 22 hours I will be leaving one continent with 9 other friends and traveling to another. I have no idea what to expect, nor any basis on which to compare the coming experience to. I know Spanish and understand Pesos; I do not understand Kinyarwanda nor how to calculate the value of a Franc...Francs.... I can't even properly use it in a sentence.
I have tried my best to prepare as well as possible for this trip. I did indeed get hair extensions to be able to put my hair in a ponytail everyday. I had 4 shots put into my arm to make me stand strong against Yellow Fever, Typhoid, Hep A, and Polio. I have Milaria pills to take, and Cipro for that "just in case" scenario.

It's strange to prepare so strategically and intentionally for a place where people live on a daily basis and probably don't use anything that is mandatory for me to have.

I decided to not bring any curling irons, blow dryers or makeup. I am bringing one pair of shoes and a few shirts and pants. How big of me, I know. I'm not meaning for it to sound like that; I'm just looking for as few distractions as possible. I live in America, so I act American, but I'd really rather not. I am genuinely looking forward to not only not knowing what to expect, but also to living simply. I am, quite frankly, not disciplined enough to do it here in the States. My ADD kicks in, and I just excited about everything... and I mean, EVERYthing. Coffee, clothes, running stuff, planners, journals, books, yarn, buttons, bows, mugs, food, etc etc etc! It's crazy. Being constantly surrounded by such materialistically pretty things is kryptonite for someone like me.

I'm beyond excited to find a beauty expressed in people, life, and culture that I cannot find at the Cherry Hill Mall. I am anxious to meet the natives and make a fool of myself because I don't understand their culture. I am curious to hear their stories and to know what their "bubble" consists of.

I know I am where I am for a reason. I really do. I have never had such peace about what I'm doing and where I am. I know God has called me, as well as every believer, to share His Love, and I'm trying my best to do it wherever I am. And I know that when, or if, the time comes that God nudges me in the direction of moving overseas, that it will be timely and right. But for now I have these 10 days, and I am desperate for them.

I have a funny feeling that this trip to Rwanda will go by too fast. I'm pretty sure that the people will help me more than I will help them. And I'm almost positive I will want to stay. But no matter what the outcome, the trip is happening for a reason, and the most I can expect is to serve.

I need more than I have.

As Juliana Theory so well puts it, we're all just a shell of a man. Empty. Full of really nothing good.

Tonight I had an experience that made me realize that nothing good of myself is of me. When I'm pushed to the end of my rope, my natural reaction isn't love. And when your natural reaction isn't love, well then I think it's safe to assume the love you display isn't natural.

Love spans a multitude of actions: patience, faithfulness, caring, selflessness, goodness, etc. So when I say "love", please know I mean many things.

Throughout our lives, individually and corporately, I think a main purpose might very well be to have love become as natural as humanly possible. To have love not become merely a reactive feeling, but a state of being.

You can be sympathetic, and not love. You can be empathetic, and not love. Even worse, you can say you love, and not even touch the reality of what the word entails.

I am empty. You are empty. And I fear we will stay empty until we allow Love to fill our very souls.

Do not let your love become a reaction; let your love be your beating heart and ever-rising and falling lungs. Allow the One who is Love to love through you.

I need more than I have, because I alone have nothing. But He, He has, and is, everything.

always here, never there.

So, if you're anything like me, you hate the question "how are you?" I don't so much hate the question, actually, but I hate the question because of the response.

following? good.

I was asked by a friend tonight (whom I hadn't seen in a while) how I was doing, and as I started to respond, my answer was shaped something like this:

"I'm good... really good. Nothings new, and usually that would bother me, but it doesn't right now because I know I'm where I need to be".

Why is it that when things are the same it appears that life is bad? You ask someone how life is going and the response "Oh, you know, just working, doing the same thing, blah blah..." brings about a sense of lazy contentment, not commended commitment. Lack of excitement perhaps? yes. But doesn't it seem that we condemn the art of committing and living a sturdy life at the same time?

I don't even know who I am right now writing this, honestly. I feel like these words are SO contrary to my nature... MY nature. Not God's.

I believe in seasons, and I don't just mean autumn and spring. I write this to encourage those of you who are putting your hand to the plow and living out the daily duty of the ordinary (as Oswald Chambers would say). I'm there, and I'm not always fond of being there. I'd rather be traveling and "seeing the world". But there is value in staying still.

What's the point in seeing the world if you can't see whats right in front of you? How can you understand the bigness around you without first understanding the foundation on which it is contingent upon?

Again, I believe in seasons. I know that God allows seasons of staying still and moving. Of floating and of being structured. But I'm trying to not look forward to moving too much, and focus on how to live where I AM, not where I WILL be. Because like my dad always says...

"you're never there, you're always here. Because by the time you're there, you're here".

bubbleless

There are approximately 143-210 million orphans worldwide (according to UNICEF stats). In America alone, there are 700.000 - 2 million homeless people.

These are the 'bubbleless' among us. The ones who do not have the comfort and confines of a "safe place", and experience daily the bumping of our bubbles into their lives. These children and adults do not have the privilege that many of us who are blessed with bubbles do.

See, it's hitting me that we are merely millions of bubbles all within one huge one. We have limitations, and therefore are within the confines of something greater than ourselves. We are flesh living in bubbles that exist in a much, MUCH greater spiritual world. One that we cannot even comprehend most of the time. Why is it that when we look into the eyes of a woman or man sitting on the side of the street, helpless and begging, that it pierces our very soul? What about their situation affects our hearts so much that we have to look away? Does giving a dollar or whatever change that's lying around really cure the panging in our hearts, or does it merely numb the pain enough so that we can convince ourselves that we've done our part...

I write this with more conviction in my soul than anything. I've been struggling with this concept for weeks, because if lived, it will change the way my bubble looks and feels, and I like it the way it is. I help, I do things... but it just isn't the same.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you" -James 1:27

Religion has become a dirty word, but its original intent is not at all what it has been made to be. The way of Jesus and following Him is to take care of those who don't have bubbles. In other words, those who get pushed to the side (by our bubbles) every day, who get charity thrown at them, but no [real]care offered. Not even the decency of a place of their own to stay and hide. They sit on the streets and are forced to expose their lives in front of everyone... there's really no option.

Then there's me, in all my bubble glory. I've always wondered why I've had a "lucky" life. It's not luck... I know I have been blessed by God, and I've struggled with why I have and not others. It doesn't seem fair... but I think I'm learning. I'm learning that what's NOT fair is that I am blessed with this life, and I don't go on to share.

"To whom much is given, much is required"

Luke 12:48

I need to care more, and I don't mean just a feeling. True caring leads to action. Just as faith without deeds is dead, so is giving without love.

"Cure without care makes us preoccupied with quick changes, impatient and unwilling to share each other's burden. And so cure can often become offending instead of liberating"

Henri Nouwen

I see an image in my head of a person reaching out from their bubble to a person who is bubbleless. The bubbleless sense an excitement of being invited in, but instead the person who is inside their bubble hands them a dollar bill, and quickly pulls their hand back inside to their safety zone. Often times the blessed assume its enough to give of their resources, when really we need to offer a place of comfort and love.

Work with me here:

Imagine yourself sitting inside of a bubble. Just do it. There? OK, now look outside that bubble... you're bound to notice something strange. Well, perhaps not so strange, because it's actually something quite familiar: you.

I mentioned in my last blog how a lot of times things look different from the confines of our own bubbles, and a large part of that is because when we are in "our worlds" we can't move past ourselves. When we go to look outside our worlds we still are inclined to see only ourselves because that's what happens when we refuse to let our bubbles merge or, better yet, pop. The more merging of bubble worlds we do, the more reflections appear. The more reflections that appear, the more points of view and "others thinking" emerges. The more "others thinking" that emerges, the more unselfishness is produced. And the more unselfishness produced, well, the more love explodes.

My friend was talking tonight about how over the years she has begun looking at people differently. When we were younger it was so easy to say "oh, i like him or her" (platonic speaking) while now it's so much more complicated. I think it's because we've gotten into this mindset of discovering ourselves, which is all fine and dandy until we begin to see only ourselves when we look at others. Think about it... we sit in our bubbles all day and when we bump into another bubble something funny happens. We peer out as best we can to see who's inside, but all the while blocked by our own reflection and insecurities. I read this the other day...

"But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that someday someone will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe... this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing... and so, when our actions have become more an expression of fear than of inner freedom, we easily become the prisoners of our self-created illusions. "

Henri Nouwen

These bubble worlds can soon become a prison of our "self-created illusions" that skew and distort the way life could be if we shared our insecurities and creativeness with each other. It begins one person at a time. One merging of a life with another. Obviously the greatest of merges is marriage. The two becoming one, and constantly giving of each other's "world" for the other, so much that there are not 2 worlds anymore, but one larger one that encompasses both the individuals. You make room for each other.

We need to make room for each other in our lives. We need to allow more room for more reflections to be seen. More ideas to be known. More lives to be loved. Aren't you tired of looking at yourself all the time?

I am.

bumper cars and bubbles

Today was one of those days when, while driving, everyone was ticking me off. That's not extremely uncommon, being as I am among those "jersey drivers". But today was slightly different. It was as if everyone around me was purposely cutting me off, going slow, or just driving stupid. Even while trying to food shop I kept thinking to myself : "THIS IS NOT BUMPER CARS".

yeah, one of those.

So, as I was food shopping, my mind kept leaping back to my "bubble thoughts", as I affectionately call them now. I realized I was getting so frustrated when someone was just bending over in the aisle... the whoooole aisle mind you... and not aware I was trying to get by. I suppose its not that big of a deal, but after 3 aisles with people blocking? Well, that was just annoying. Yes, I'm well aware of my impatient temperament at this point. (Side note? never food shop when you're starving and cranky. Especially when you're cranky from hunger.) So as I'm trying to get myself to breathe as though I'm in labor, it dawns on me that I've fallen into a certain bubble syndrome that I have spent so much time condemning in my own thoughts. That of- "I'M trying to do something, and YOU'RE in my way". When we plan our days and actions, we don't really account for the woman blocking the aisle, or the car cutting us off, or the cashier lady who doesn't really know what she's doing. I guess it's unrealistic to be able to plan for them specifically, but I think that there's got to be a way to plan generally.

I love the Hillsong song that has this chorus:

"In my life, be lifted high

In our world, be lifted high

In our love, be lifted high"

The progression is that of as we grow spiritually... in MY life to OUR world, to OUR love.

When we let people into our lives, it's going to feel uncomfortable. Just as when you blow a balloon and begin to make it bigger, the walls get thinner, the pressure is evident. So it is in our lives when we make adjustments for others to join our personal bubbles.

I have a phrase I use a lot that I kind of stole from a 5 year old. "In my world... _____ (fill in the blank)". In my personal world rules are different than yours. But when we begin to care for people genuinely and let them into our worlds, the rules conflict and tensions rise, mainly because we have to learn to let a lot of our rules go. I am annoyed by that person because she's preventing me from doing what I had planned on doing in a timely manner.

suck it up.

I need to let my bubble grow, deal with the growing pains, let her inside my world for as long as she needs to be there, and let life take it's course. The resistance to growth will cause more pain in the end than the flexibility to allow your bubble to increase in patience and size.

"In my world" suddenly becomes "In our world"... and that, I believe, leads to Love.

There is no better proof of love, of all kinds, than to adjust for the needs of others. It's setting aside our personal rules and regulations to make room for someone else...and someone else...and someone else...

And remember, your view of the world is often distorted from the confines of your bubble. The imagery is skewed and the sizes vary. Some people's worlds are very small still, while others have started expanding. Some don't even realize they have a bubble at all.

beee.

I write this blog while sitting in Mexico City, Mexico. It's amazing how a place so far away and so different from your own natural environment can spur on a presence of peace and relaxation. Especially considering it'e one of the largest cities in the world... not exactly prime for getting some "quiet time". But, alas, I have found my zone and have checked out from my bubble... or rather, maybe I've checked in.

I'm really understanding how important it is to have a constant sense of "chillness" to our daily routine. It's incredible to me how busy we can keep ourselves in America, or anywhere for that matter...I guess it's just more common and easier in a society that constantly pushes us to keep moving. But while we're moving so fast, our brains hardly have the capacity to keep up and we end up losing so many of our good ideas and desires to the thought of working more and being more productive- and this doesn't only apply to work.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this blog right now... but I just feel so free. My brain has finally had a chance to catch up, and I'm feeling sane. I know I use working as an escape from thinking.. it's about the only thing that distracts me enough from my thoughts.

For the first time I'm truely understanding who I am, and being okay with that. I'm just a normal girl that makes mistakes. I'm finally grasping the fact that I've made mistakes, and it's ok. That I can't do everything perfect the first time, and that's ok. That failure is natural...and, shocker, ok.

You, whoever you may be that is reading this, are created intentionally and awesomely. (I love that word.. awesome. It's dated, I know. I don't care). But a lot of times we lose who we are by what we surround ourselves with... choose wisely what you choose to do with your time. Invest in things you care about, veg out with friends you love, surround yourself with people and things that inspire you.

As the genie from Aladdin would say: "Just beeee yourself". Relax, and allow yourself the freedom to be who you are.

crumblin' walls

I have been overwhelmed lately by the quality of people that are in my life. I guess I haven't stayed around anywhere long enough, or have been old enough to appreciate, the kind of friendships I've come to accumulate over the years. These last few months have been incredibly eyeopening for me to see the goods and bads of myself; things I've never known to exist. Through all this, though, my friendships have gotten stronger... or I am just more aware of how grateful I am to have friends that deal with my quirks.

I guess that's the thing though. We all have so many quirks. And sometimes I think it's healthy to recognize them, but other times I wish we didn't know ourselves so much... When we see the quirks we don't like, we can try to "fake it" and it can sometimes end us leading to be people we aren't and should never be. Our quirks are what make us US and the people that know them and still stick around are the ones that become our closest friends. There are six people I can think of who have seen me at my worst and best throughout the last 3 years, and I know I can consider them my closest friends...

This whole sticking around in one place thing is starting to freak me out. I'm getting ancy, and I'm wanting to pull away... but I can't. I'd actually miss people for more than a month. Sure I'd move on, but I have never had the support and love from friends that I have right now.

It's just getting that wall....that freakin' thick wall that is taking years to crumble... to finally crash down. I'm seeing over the top, and it scares me, but yet exciting too. True friendships require investing, being there, and being unselfish. I have a lot to work on. I'm just grateful for the amazing examples of true friends in my life to lead the way.

every little thing is gonna be allright.

I'm realizing now more than ever how much i don't do, or even do, because of what other people think. It's scary, actually, the stuff that I hold back from. Decisions for little everday things to pretty monumental choices are constantly being battled in my head. I look at every decision from every point of view, and no matter what I decide to do, I disappoint somebody.
I'm almost 24 years old, and I'm finally realizing how crucial it is to get control of this issue, or I will lose my life to other people's thoughts.
How narcassistic as well is this? That I would think other people are scrutinizing my life so closley...it's sickening to my stomach actually to realize that this is who I'm on the road to becoming. But I can stop it.
Little changes, here and there. Soon little changes produce big changes.
I like who I am, and I'd like to embrace it. There's just one person who I need to try and please, and even He doesn't ask much of me. Just love Him and others. He'll take it from there.

I want to write this as an encouragment mainly... It's never too late to change. We're constantly on the path to becoming who we will be, and as long as we're open to scrutinize our little bubbles and accept changes, I think every little thing is gonna be allright.
(humming.)

the beginning of a very long journey

It's obvious that we don't have much choice in who we are born to, adopted by, or how we are raised. Yet the way we are brought up in this world (our influences, family life, religious beliefs, etc) determines much of our outlook on life. But that's not to say its the sole factor. You can observe many families who raise children the same exact way and yet each child grows up to live life differently from the rest. So what does that elude to?

We have, as individual people, personality traits. (You can thank me for that shocking and not obvious thought later.) These traits lead us in life; they become our nemeses and our strengths, our motives and regrets, and the reasons why people love you and, quite possibly, hate you. From birth they reveal themselves. There's the logical 5 year old, or the 3 year old who can sing on pitch. There's the baby that's prone to dominate over its twin... which brings me to the point of this.

Isaac, son of Abraham, bore two sons: Jacob and Esau. Genesis 25:22-27 says:

"But the 2 children struggled with each other in her [Rebekah's] womb....The Lord told her, 'The sons in your womb will become to nations. From the very beginning, the two nations will be rivals... and your older son will serve your younger son'...As the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter. He was an outdoorsman, but Jacob had a quiet temperament, preferring to stay at home".

On my journey to discover the balance between predestination and freewill as a believer in Jesus Christ, I am hit with this thought (which is subject to change):

Who we are and how we are brought into the world is planned.

The things in life we will have to struggle with and the things that will be easy to overcome are no surprise to the Creator, because He intentionally created it to be as such. It's how we choose to react to ourselves and what we're given that is our choice.

I'm well aware that it seems easier for some to believe in God. I don't understand why, but I believe that God may present himself more vividly and clearly to some and others. As far as Biblical examples go, take Paul. Who can argue with a blinding light and an audible voice from heaven? Yet there are some of us who beg for a whisper and are lucky to get that. I think that the ones Jesus calls in such a grand manner serve as an encouragement to those who are begging for that whisper. This is another conversation though, and work calls.

bubbles pt. 2?

I'm back on bubbles. I can't help it. They just visually explain life so well for me...

So, I was thinking this morning how there are so many people we see everyday, yet have no memory of or with whom we have no interaction. And that got me thinking about bubbles. I'm sure this analogy could work with various amounts of things, but apparently I'm partial to the magic of bubbles. I guess that's the 5 year old in me.

anyway.

There are so many people around us and we're so disconnected, yet we impact each other's worlds all of the time. Our bubbles may never meld into one, and we may never even blend bubbles for a little bit and then tear apart, but we affect each other. Think about when bubbles float. If I am floating here, you can't. If your bubble is growing in size, you are inevetibly taking up space that I may have desired to be. So even though we have no personal relationship, you just existing and living life in your bubble is affecting mine. Like I said earlier, this illustration can be demonstrated by many other objects, but there is something unique about this demonstration with bubbles: we can connect. Your bubble may be preventing me from being somewhere by myself, but that's not to say I cannot join in your world. It's just that do we want to? I don't know about you, but melding bubbles for me is not always the easiest of things. In some ways it is, in the fun ways. The sharing of stories, hobbies, interests, but not when it gets down to the nitty gritty situations. Not when being part of your bubble requires me to be there for you when life gets hard, or when you need to borrow money because things in your world aren't going as well. That's when sometimes we feel like our bubbles are popping and we're losing control. Which we are, because we've chosen to let someone else into our world, and we've in turn stepped into theirs.

Staying in your own bubble is possible. It's probably the most convenient and easy actually. But while you feel like you're in control, you're actually the one being bumped around by the other bubbles joining. I hope this is making sense. I wish I could show a video, but I'll stick for hoping this is not just rambling.

It's a risk to join bubbles and worlds. But without this risk you choose to live being bumped around by other people. They're essentially controlling where you can and cannot be. But to be apart of something, apart of a bigger world, to invite people into your life, and to learn how to genuinely care for other people... well, I think that sounds kind of nice.

It's when I trust the unknown that I am most secure and stable. It's when I question far beyond what I can ever hope to understand that my whole being is turned upside down and my soul hurts. That's the only way to explain it. My soul feels like it's ripping outside of itself and begging me to just believe.

Why is it when I trust the unknown that I am at peace? I guess just because it's unknown doesn't make it unreal. The unimaginable doesn't equal impossible, nor does the non-comprehensible outweigh the reality of everything that IS.

Trust is not a feeling. Same as love. CS Lewis describes it in such a way that one can never choose to promise to feel a certain thing forever. Nor can I make a onetime decision to trust what I want to believe. No, it is indeed a daily, hourly, minutely, and continuing decision to keep trusting in the unknown. trusting in the One that has existed before anything that I can understand was created.

Feelings have absolutely nothing to do with it. Frankly, I haven't felt much in months. But I know I'm not alone, and that as I write these words, the I AM that I have chosen to serve is here. I'm choosing to know. Choosing to believe. When I don't, I am just not myself.

flit with perseverance

Today I had a conversation with a friend, and it went something like this:

(my friend):

I'm not proud of myself. I just feel like a failure... like I'm the person that people are always saying 'hey look, he/she has started something again and hasn't finished it...will he/she ever grow up?' and I'm just so frustrated. So many people can identify themselves with somebody or something, what they do, what they like, and I don't have anything to identify myself with, and that makes me sad. But there are just so many things that I want to do. And so when one doesn't happen immediately, i go onto the next, all the while feeling like a failure at the one I didn't finish"

My friend might as well have been myself. We are very much alike, and he/she has put into words my sentiments exactly. People like my friend and myself have lots of ideas, and Im sure there are more of us. More of us people who genuinely want to do so many different things because there is beauty in all of them. When did this get so looked down upon? When did we need to start identifying ourself with one thing? I don't mean to say that if you have found something that you love and do well, that that's bad! It's just that not everyone can, and those of us that seem to "flit" from one thing to the next are just doing so because we get excited so easily.

I will say, though, that I recognize it's dangers; the dangers of "flitting". My dad said once that passion is overrated. Being the passionate person I am, I was infuriated to say the least. But as he continued to talk, I started to listen... Passion is a great motivator and starter, but it is perseverance that carries it through. This applies to anything in life, and especially to us "flitters." We all have something to learn, whether we're the stablest or the most free-spirited.

So to encourage the flitters, flit with perseverance. I believe we may make life a little chaotic and hard to manage at times, but we also add to life. We can show people how to create and live a little differently, and in turn we can learn how to be perseverant and stick things out from the others.

It's all about balance. always.