It's when I trust the unknown that I am most secure and stable. It's when I question far beyond what I can ever hope to understand that my whole being is turned upside down and my soul hurts. That's the only way to explain it. My soul feels like it's ripping outside of itself and begging me to just believe.

Why is it when I trust the unknown that I am at peace? I guess just because it's unknown doesn't make it unreal. The unimaginable doesn't equal impossible, nor does the non-comprehensible outweigh the reality of everything that IS.

Trust is not a feeling. Same as love. CS Lewis describes it in such a way that one can never choose to promise to feel a certain thing forever. Nor can I make a onetime decision to trust what I want to believe. No, it is indeed a daily, hourly, minutely, and continuing decision to keep trusting in the unknown. trusting in the One that has existed before anything that I can understand was created.

Feelings have absolutely nothing to do with it. Frankly, I haven't felt much in months. But I know I'm not alone, and that as I write these words, the I AM that I have chosen to serve is here. I'm choosing to know. Choosing to believe. When I don't, I am just not myself.