Confessions of a Pastor's Wife

I've finally figured out what's wrong with me.  (I have a feeling 2014 will be a very productive year...)

I'm simply afraid of being human.  I'm terrified of my own skin, of the thoughts that loom inside my head, of the feelings that shoot through my veins with no warning, of the words I'm capable of saying, and the promises I'm capable of breaking.  I'm overwhelmed at the thought of letting someone down, of having people over for dinner and not having them happy 100% of the time, of forgetting to do something at work, of not recognizing a social need in a public area and leaving it un-addressed, of not singing perfect harmonies on the worship team.

From birth until 22 I've been weird.  Well, birth until now, but I've gotten a little better at hiding it unless you're close to me.  The funny thing is though is that for those 22 years I knew it, but didn't care.  At the age of 13 I was smack in the middle of my thriving duct-tap making career and I wore overalls.  Let's face it, I wasn't exactly your prime popular material.  But I had friends (or angels in disguise??), a healthy relationship with my parents, and a growing love for God.  I by no means was perfect, but didn't seem to be affected by that realization. It never crossed my mind that I could even possibly be perfect.

What happened around the age of 22 I'll never know (unless someone's offering free therapy?) but it's like everything I had been taking in for my entire life started affecting me.  The thoughts and opinions of others were top priority, and I was slowly catering to everyone else's needs and wants.  It's as though as I hit my early twenties puberty hit, and I just felt awkward.

Now I'm 27, happily married, and a pastor's wife in Point Pleasant, NJ.  The stress heightens to new levels... not only do I belong to a new church where there are new relationships to be formed, but there are still old friendships to be maintained, new expectations to be met, and the closest Starbucks is 15 minutes away.  I literally (yes, literally) think at times I might explode. I was supposed to move far far away to Africa where it was easy to not fit in; not Point Pleasant where it seems like a natural fit.

We are currently on the last day of our vacation after being gone a week at a lake house by ourselves.  It has been the best week ever... I've been able to breathe, think, and not be stressed.  But the sad part is that I'm actually scared to go home.  I legitimately feel nervous about being around humans again.  Some might say I need medication, and part of me wants it too.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed, and You won't start now"*

But ya see, I think I figured out what happened at the age of 22:  I became an adult, and everything started to depend on me.  The opinions of others towards me was my burden to bear.  The faith I had in Christ and how I lived it out depended on me.  And while those things are true, I never took into account that at some point, I will fail.  I just figured after 22 years of living I had a good handle on it.  And so now, being the great pastor's wife I am, I start to doubt my sincerity as a Christian.  The battle isn't a new one that I've fought, but it seems to get harder every time.  Doubt has always been my "kryptonite" (because I'm superwoman.  duh.) 

We're all in a battle, but the uniqueness of it lies in this:  We are in constant training for the very battle in which we fight.  God has this way of using us where we're at to fight, but to also train us for what's coming.  Look, at 22 I thought I was ready for battle.  All the opinions I'd heard, sermons I'd soaked up, and stories I'd read created this person in me... this "warrior" if you will.  But little did I realize that God wasn't finished.  He wasn't expecting this perfect follower to lead the masses.  He simply just wanted me to stay in the fight, use what I knew, and grow to fight differently as I learned more.  Everyone else is doing the same thing.  

People change, people make mistakes, and they grow.  We even make mistakes while we try to fix them... it's just all part of the battle.  

So what's my confession?  Well, quite frankly I never wanted to be a pastor's wife.  I thought it would be boring, confining, and squelching.  Little did I know that God could place a weirdo like me in one of the most loving and gracious communities I'd ever come to know.  And while it's overwhelming, I'm so grateful God doesn't always give us what we want.  I'm so grateful He continues to teach me as I work through my doubt of myself and my unrealistic doubt of His promises to me,  

 Because 

                  "Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed, and You won't start now"*

*song by Hillsong United, "Oceans"

"It's Not Personal, It's Life"

This one's a quickie, but hit me like a ton of bricks.

Today Noah and I were talking about a situation that I'm struggling with.  You see, I have this problem that if there's a glitch in life I automatically think it's this ultimate test.  And, if I don't pass, I'll never get to see the other side.  I'm fairly certain I'm not the only one out there like this, but if I am, I'm expecting 2,000 comments following this post on how to fix this. 

After the venting and tears finally subsided, Noah responds as such:

"Did you ever think that it's not about you? {ha. thanks babe} 

That it's nothing personal, it's just life?"   

I was offended for a second...or seconds.... because I think sometimes trial feels better when it IS personal.  When you know God is up there looking down on you and watching until you get it right.  It's like the light at the end of the tunnel, and when you get there then you know you'll be rewarded.  But to think that this "problem" I'm going through may just be a part of life in general?  Well, gee.  That sucks.  That means that no matter how hard I try, I won't know if I'm any closer to my end goal.  But then I'm reminded of this hymn:

My goal is God Himself, not joy, nor peace, 

Nor even blessing, but Himself, my God;

'Tis His to lead me there- not mine- but His, 

At any cost, dear Lord, by any road

I've been telling myself all day "At some point my words must be tested by my actions", and all day I've been feeling stressed.  Trying to convince myself to have a happy heart 100%  of the time.  But last time I checked, Jesus isn't asking us to always be happy.  He does, however, ask us to trust him, and THAT I do.  Because at the end of the day, my goal isn't this goal I have in my head.  My goal is Christ Himself. 

...Then I Got Married. (Don't worry. This isn't a mushy love blog)

I remember when I was learning how to be disciplined with my money I came to the realization that I thought in order to appreciate something I liked I had to own it.  I wanted others to see that I appreciated good things.  In other words, possession = the highest form of appreciation and good taste. 

I think that transferred into real life and people.  I see people I admire, respect, and like.  I want to be like them.  But much like adding lots of material things into my life makes me broke, so did adding lots of personalities to myself makes me tired.  Constantly thinking how I wanted to be portrayed to others left my brain fried and my insides screaming insecurity.  

Then I got married.  

Planning weddings has changed a lot over the years.  "Out of the box" weddings used to be unacceptable, whereas now they're expected.  DIY used to be "eh" and affordable, but now viewed as beautiful and sometimes more expensive (plus more work).  Weddings have become a little girl's dream turned into a big girl's Pinterest contest.  It's chaos (at least in my world). I'm so glad Noah and I took 4 months to plan our wedding.  I needed the 4 months to be somewhat organized (let's be honest... even if I had 2 YEARS I'd never be organized).  But the shortness of time didn't allow for a ton of extras.  I continually reminded myself that the day was about marrying the man God gave me as my better half, not to win a Pinterest award. 

The wedding came and went and I thought it was the best day ever.  That was until I realized that the foggy & damp weather stripped all the curl and hard work out of my hair that my amazing friend Karol styled.  (I never once looked in a mirror on my wedding day).  And until I let myself go on Pinterest after the wedding and saw all the cute ideas I could've done. For a few weeks, nay, months, I had to not think about the wedding because of what it was doing to my emotions.  I think riDICulous best describes this scenario, but I couldn't help it.  Then I had to make a photobook of the wedding for my mom for Christmas.  I was forced to look at hundreds of pictures of me with straight hair (which is pretty obvious by now that it's my biggest vanity) and layouts of a gazebo in which I could have had pom poms.  The amount of conviction I felt over this pride in my heart was overwhelming.  But as I sat there looking at those pictures, I realized something else (something I really already knew): I was so unbelievably happy in all the pictures.  And you can't fake that.  

Just for the record, this post isn't about anti-pinterest or anti-DIY weddings.  It isn't about if you hate what the weather does to your hair on your wedding day then you'll have a great day.  

What it IS about is this: 

The decision that I made on that day was what it was all about: marrying Noah.  All the extra details were, well just that- extra details.  The extra clothes that I buy to show other people what good taste I have is extra.... but the decisions I make every day about loving God and people are what really matter.  The extras aren't necessarily bad, but when they get in the way of making good, healthy decisions and enjoying those decisions, then I think they become bad.  

This lesson has transferred into SO many areas of my life.  When I find myself comparing what I don't have among others, I simply remind myself that WHO I am is exactly who I need to be right now.  Why? Because God doesn't make mistakes.  WE do.  We fill our lives with expectations and promises to others of who can be.  Don't get me wrong... none of us are perfect.  I will never stop trying to better the bad things about myself and learning from others that I respect and admire.  But I will stop trying to look like them.  How you and I display kindness will look different, because we are different people.  And that's GOOD!  My wedding will look different than so-and-so's because we're different... yay! 

One time I told my dad I was surprised by the kind of car he drove because it wasn't "him".  While I don't remember the exact wording, I will never forget the look on his face as he responded with something along these lines:

 "The day I let a car define who I am will be the day that I need to do some serious re-thinking about my life".  

Something I've started telling myself when I'm in a store and I'm being tempted to buy something is: "This will not change my life or the world.  I don't need it".  And as silly and dramatic as it is, that reminder that this article of clothing or accessory that I can't afford is really to impress someone else is enough for me.  Why? Because I've realized that I can better love people when I'm not so busy trying to be other people.  

Appreciate life.  Appreciate what others have.  But more importantly, appreciate the body, heart, and life God has given YOU.  Don't let things define you.  It's an age old lesson, but still just as true.  It's a continual battle everyday as I remind myself that I am who and where I am for a reason, and it doesn't matter what anyone else has or does.  Appreciate what's around you, but don't always feel the need to put it on.  Constantly try to improve the bads about you, but never cease to rely on His grace and intentionality in making you who you are.