I'm simply afraid of being human. I'm terrified of my own skin, of the thoughts that loom inside my head, of the feelings that shoot through my veins with no warning, of the words I'm capable of saying, and the promises I'm capable of breaking. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of letting someone down, of having people over for dinner and not having them happy 100% of the time, of forgetting to do something at work, of not recognizing a social need in a public area and leaving it un-addressed, of not singing perfect harmonies on the worship team.
From birth until 22 I've been weird. Well, birth until now, but I've gotten a little better at hiding it unless you're close to me. The funny thing is though is that for those 22 years I knew it, but didn't care. At the age of 13 I was smack in the middle of my thriving duct-tap making career and I wore overalls. Let's face it, I wasn't exactly your prime popular material. But I had friends (or angels in disguise??), a healthy relationship with my parents, and a growing love for God. I by no means was perfect, but didn't seem to be affected by that realization. It never crossed my mind that I could even possibly be perfect.
What happened around the age of 22 I'll never know (unless someone's offering free therapy?) but it's like everything I had been taking in for my entire life started affecting me. The thoughts and opinions of others were top priority, and I was slowly catering to everyone else's needs and wants. It's as though as I hit my early twenties puberty hit, and I just felt awkward.
Now I'm 27, happily married, and a pastor's wife in Point Pleasant, NJ. The stress heightens to new levels... not only do I belong to a new church where there are new relationships to be formed, but there are still old friendships to be maintained, new expectations to be met, and the closest Starbucks is 15 minutes away. I literally (yes, literally) think at times I might explode. I was supposed to move far far away to Africa where it was easy to not fit in; not Point Pleasant where it seems like a natural fit.
We are currently on the last day of our vacation after being gone a week at a lake house by ourselves. It has been the best week ever... I've been able to breathe, think, and not be stressed. But the sad part is that I'm actually scared to go home. I legitimately feel nervous about being around humans again. Some might say I need medication, and part of me wants it too.
"Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now"*
But ya see, I think I figured out what happened at the age of 22: I became an adult, and everything started to depend on me. The opinions of others towards me was my burden to bear. The faith I had in Christ and how I lived it out depended on me. And while those things are true, I never took into account that at some point, I will fail. I just figured after 22 years of living I had a good handle on it. And so now, being the great pastor's wife I am, I start to doubt my sincerity as a Christian. The battle isn't a new one that I've fought, but it seems to get harder every time. Doubt has always been my "kryptonite" (because I'm superwoman. duh.)
We're all in a battle, but the uniqueness of it lies in this: We are in constant training for the very battle in which we fight. God has this way of using us where we're at to fight, but to also train us for what's coming. Look, at 22 I thought I was ready for battle. All the opinions I'd heard, sermons I'd soaked up, and stories I'd read created this person in me... this "warrior" if you will. But little did I realize that God wasn't finished. He wasn't expecting this perfect follower to lead the masses. He simply just wanted me to stay in the fight, use what I knew, and grow to fight differently as I learned more. Everyone else is doing the same thing.
People change, people make mistakes, and they grow. We even make mistakes while we try to fix them... it's just all part of the battle.
So what's my confession? Well, quite frankly I never wanted to be a pastor's wife. I thought it would be boring, confining, and squelching. Little did I know that God could place a weirdo like me in one of the most loving and gracious communities I'd ever come to know. And while it's overwhelming, I'm so grateful God doesn't always give us what we want. I'm so grateful He continues to teach me as I work through my doubt of myself and my unrealistic doubt of His promises to me,
Because
"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed, and You won't start now"*
*song by Hillsong United, "Oceans"
No comments:
Post a Comment