I need more than I have.

As Juliana Theory so well puts it, we're all just a shell of a man. Empty. Full of really nothing good.

Tonight I had an experience that made me realize that nothing good of myself is of me. When I'm pushed to the end of my rope, my natural reaction isn't love. And when your natural reaction isn't love, well then I think it's safe to assume the love you display isn't natural.

Love spans a multitude of actions: patience, faithfulness, caring, selflessness, goodness, etc. So when I say "love", please know I mean many things.

Throughout our lives, individually and corporately, I think a main purpose might very well be to have love become as natural as humanly possible. To have love not become merely a reactive feeling, but a state of being.

You can be sympathetic, and not love. You can be empathetic, and not love. Even worse, you can say you love, and not even touch the reality of what the word entails.

I am empty. You are empty. And I fear we will stay empty until we allow Love to fill our very souls.

Do not let your love become a reaction; let your love be your beating heart and ever-rising and falling lungs. Allow the One who is Love to love through you.

I need more than I have, because I alone have nothing. But He, He has, and is, everything.

always here, never there.

So, if you're anything like me, you hate the question "how are you?" I don't so much hate the question, actually, but I hate the question because of the response.

following? good.

I was asked by a friend tonight (whom I hadn't seen in a while) how I was doing, and as I started to respond, my answer was shaped something like this:

"I'm good... really good. Nothings new, and usually that would bother me, but it doesn't right now because I know I'm where I need to be".

Why is it that when things are the same it appears that life is bad? You ask someone how life is going and the response "Oh, you know, just working, doing the same thing, blah blah..." brings about a sense of lazy contentment, not commended commitment. Lack of excitement perhaps? yes. But doesn't it seem that we condemn the art of committing and living a sturdy life at the same time?

I don't even know who I am right now writing this, honestly. I feel like these words are SO contrary to my nature... MY nature. Not God's.

I believe in seasons, and I don't just mean autumn and spring. I write this to encourage those of you who are putting your hand to the plow and living out the daily duty of the ordinary (as Oswald Chambers would say). I'm there, and I'm not always fond of being there. I'd rather be traveling and "seeing the world". But there is value in staying still.

What's the point in seeing the world if you can't see whats right in front of you? How can you understand the bigness around you without first understanding the foundation on which it is contingent upon?

Again, I believe in seasons. I know that God allows seasons of staying still and moving. Of floating and of being structured. But I'm trying to not look forward to moving too much, and focus on how to live where I AM, not where I WILL be. Because like my dad always says...

"you're never there, you're always here. Because by the time you're there, you're here".

bubbleless

There are approximately 143-210 million orphans worldwide (according to UNICEF stats). In America alone, there are 700.000 - 2 million homeless people.

These are the 'bubbleless' among us. The ones who do not have the comfort and confines of a "safe place", and experience daily the bumping of our bubbles into their lives. These children and adults do not have the privilege that many of us who are blessed with bubbles do.

See, it's hitting me that we are merely millions of bubbles all within one huge one. We have limitations, and therefore are within the confines of something greater than ourselves. We are flesh living in bubbles that exist in a much, MUCH greater spiritual world. One that we cannot even comprehend most of the time. Why is it that when we look into the eyes of a woman or man sitting on the side of the street, helpless and begging, that it pierces our very soul? What about their situation affects our hearts so much that we have to look away? Does giving a dollar or whatever change that's lying around really cure the panging in our hearts, or does it merely numb the pain enough so that we can convince ourselves that we've done our part...

I write this with more conviction in my soul than anything. I've been struggling with this concept for weeks, because if lived, it will change the way my bubble looks and feels, and I like it the way it is. I help, I do things... but it just isn't the same.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you" -James 1:27

Religion has become a dirty word, but its original intent is not at all what it has been made to be. The way of Jesus and following Him is to take care of those who don't have bubbles. In other words, those who get pushed to the side (by our bubbles) every day, who get charity thrown at them, but no [real]care offered. Not even the decency of a place of their own to stay and hide. They sit on the streets and are forced to expose their lives in front of everyone... there's really no option.

Then there's me, in all my bubble glory. I've always wondered why I've had a "lucky" life. It's not luck... I know I have been blessed by God, and I've struggled with why I have and not others. It doesn't seem fair... but I think I'm learning. I'm learning that what's NOT fair is that I am blessed with this life, and I don't go on to share.

"To whom much is given, much is required"

Luke 12:48

I need to care more, and I don't mean just a feeling. True caring leads to action. Just as faith without deeds is dead, so is giving without love.

"Cure without care makes us preoccupied with quick changes, impatient and unwilling to share each other's burden. And so cure can often become offending instead of liberating"

Henri Nouwen

I see an image in my head of a person reaching out from their bubble to a person who is bubbleless. The bubbleless sense an excitement of being invited in, but instead the person who is inside their bubble hands them a dollar bill, and quickly pulls their hand back inside to their safety zone. Often times the blessed assume its enough to give of their resources, when really we need to offer a place of comfort and love.

Work with me here:

Imagine yourself sitting inside of a bubble. Just do it. There? OK, now look outside that bubble... you're bound to notice something strange. Well, perhaps not so strange, because it's actually something quite familiar: you.

I mentioned in my last blog how a lot of times things look different from the confines of our own bubbles, and a large part of that is because when we are in "our worlds" we can't move past ourselves. When we go to look outside our worlds we still are inclined to see only ourselves because that's what happens when we refuse to let our bubbles merge or, better yet, pop. The more merging of bubble worlds we do, the more reflections appear. The more reflections that appear, the more points of view and "others thinking" emerges. The more "others thinking" that emerges, the more unselfishness is produced. And the more unselfishness produced, well, the more love explodes.

My friend was talking tonight about how over the years she has begun looking at people differently. When we were younger it was so easy to say "oh, i like him or her" (platonic speaking) while now it's so much more complicated. I think it's because we've gotten into this mindset of discovering ourselves, which is all fine and dandy until we begin to see only ourselves when we look at others. Think about it... we sit in our bubbles all day and when we bump into another bubble something funny happens. We peer out as best we can to see who's inside, but all the while blocked by our own reflection and insecurities. I read this the other day...

"But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that someday someone will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe... this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing... and so, when our actions have become more an expression of fear than of inner freedom, we easily become the prisoners of our self-created illusions. "

Henri Nouwen

These bubble worlds can soon become a prison of our "self-created illusions" that skew and distort the way life could be if we shared our insecurities and creativeness with each other. It begins one person at a time. One merging of a life with another. Obviously the greatest of merges is marriage. The two becoming one, and constantly giving of each other's "world" for the other, so much that there are not 2 worlds anymore, but one larger one that encompasses both the individuals. You make room for each other.

We need to make room for each other in our lives. We need to allow more room for more reflections to be seen. More ideas to be known. More lives to be loved. Aren't you tired of looking at yourself all the time?

I am.

bumper cars and bubbles

Today was one of those days when, while driving, everyone was ticking me off. That's not extremely uncommon, being as I am among those "jersey drivers". But today was slightly different. It was as if everyone around me was purposely cutting me off, going slow, or just driving stupid. Even while trying to food shop I kept thinking to myself : "THIS IS NOT BUMPER CARS".

yeah, one of those.

So, as I was food shopping, my mind kept leaping back to my "bubble thoughts", as I affectionately call them now. I realized I was getting so frustrated when someone was just bending over in the aisle... the whoooole aisle mind you... and not aware I was trying to get by. I suppose its not that big of a deal, but after 3 aisles with people blocking? Well, that was just annoying. Yes, I'm well aware of my impatient temperament at this point. (Side note? never food shop when you're starving and cranky. Especially when you're cranky from hunger.) So as I'm trying to get myself to breathe as though I'm in labor, it dawns on me that I've fallen into a certain bubble syndrome that I have spent so much time condemning in my own thoughts. That of- "I'M trying to do something, and YOU'RE in my way". When we plan our days and actions, we don't really account for the woman blocking the aisle, or the car cutting us off, or the cashier lady who doesn't really know what she's doing. I guess it's unrealistic to be able to plan for them specifically, but I think that there's got to be a way to plan generally.

I love the Hillsong song that has this chorus:

"In my life, be lifted high

In our world, be lifted high

In our love, be lifted high"

The progression is that of as we grow spiritually... in MY life to OUR world, to OUR love.

When we let people into our lives, it's going to feel uncomfortable. Just as when you blow a balloon and begin to make it bigger, the walls get thinner, the pressure is evident. So it is in our lives when we make adjustments for others to join our personal bubbles.

I have a phrase I use a lot that I kind of stole from a 5 year old. "In my world... _____ (fill in the blank)". In my personal world rules are different than yours. But when we begin to care for people genuinely and let them into our worlds, the rules conflict and tensions rise, mainly because we have to learn to let a lot of our rules go. I am annoyed by that person because she's preventing me from doing what I had planned on doing in a timely manner.

suck it up.

I need to let my bubble grow, deal with the growing pains, let her inside my world for as long as she needs to be there, and let life take it's course. The resistance to growth will cause more pain in the end than the flexibility to allow your bubble to increase in patience and size.

"In my world" suddenly becomes "In our world"... and that, I believe, leads to Love.

There is no better proof of love, of all kinds, than to adjust for the needs of others. It's setting aside our personal rules and regulations to make room for someone else...and someone else...and someone else...

And remember, your view of the world is often distorted from the confines of your bubble. The imagery is skewed and the sizes vary. Some people's worlds are very small still, while others have started expanding. Some don't even realize they have a bubble at all.

beee.

I write this blog while sitting in Mexico City, Mexico. It's amazing how a place so far away and so different from your own natural environment can spur on a presence of peace and relaxation. Especially considering it'e one of the largest cities in the world... not exactly prime for getting some "quiet time". But, alas, I have found my zone and have checked out from my bubble... or rather, maybe I've checked in.

I'm really understanding how important it is to have a constant sense of "chillness" to our daily routine. It's incredible to me how busy we can keep ourselves in America, or anywhere for that matter...I guess it's just more common and easier in a society that constantly pushes us to keep moving. But while we're moving so fast, our brains hardly have the capacity to keep up and we end up losing so many of our good ideas and desires to the thought of working more and being more productive- and this doesn't only apply to work.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting this blog right now... but I just feel so free. My brain has finally had a chance to catch up, and I'm feeling sane. I know I use working as an escape from thinking.. it's about the only thing that distracts me enough from my thoughts.

For the first time I'm truely understanding who I am, and being okay with that. I'm just a normal girl that makes mistakes. I'm finally grasping the fact that I've made mistakes, and it's ok. That I can't do everything perfect the first time, and that's ok. That failure is natural...and, shocker, ok.

You, whoever you may be that is reading this, are created intentionally and awesomely. (I love that word.. awesome. It's dated, I know. I don't care). But a lot of times we lose who we are by what we surround ourselves with... choose wisely what you choose to do with your time. Invest in things you care about, veg out with friends you love, surround yourself with people and things that inspire you.

As the genie from Aladdin would say: "Just beeee yourself". Relax, and allow yourself the freedom to be who you are.

crumblin' walls

I have been overwhelmed lately by the quality of people that are in my life. I guess I haven't stayed around anywhere long enough, or have been old enough to appreciate, the kind of friendships I've come to accumulate over the years. These last few months have been incredibly eyeopening for me to see the goods and bads of myself; things I've never known to exist. Through all this, though, my friendships have gotten stronger... or I am just more aware of how grateful I am to have friends that deal with my quirks.

I guess that's the thing though. We all have so many quirks. And sometimes I think it's healthy to recognize them, but other times I wish we didn't know ourselves so much... When we see the quirks we don't like, we can try to "fake it" and it can sometimes end us leading to be people we aren't and should never be. Our quirks are what make us US and the people that know them and still stick around are the ones that become our closest friends. There are six people I can think of who have seen me at my worst and best throughout the last 3 years, and I know I can consider them my closest friends...

This whole sticking around in one place thing is starting to freak me out. I'm getting ancy, and I'm wanting to pull away... but I can't. I'd actually miss people for more than a month. Sure I'd move on, but I have never had the support and love from friends that I have right now.

It's just getting that wall....that freakin' thick wall that is taking years to crumble... to finally crash down. I'm seeing over the top, and it scares me, but yet exciting too. True friendships require investing, being there, and being unselfish. I have a lot to work on. I'm just grateful for the amazing examples of true friends in my life to lead the way.