Christmas lights & a stolen heart

It's the afternoon of my 4th full day home. Upon arrival to the US, life has picked up exactly where it left off: sheer chaos. I sit in my popisson chair in the corner of my room and can't even see the floor... laundry hasn't even begun, gifts for people are still in their bags, and my bag is only seemingly unpacked b/c its half poured-out. Yet I sit here, writing, because I cannot get Rwanda out of my head.

Or my heart.

Jim Elliot once said "Wherever you are, be all there." How hard it is to be somewhere when you want to be somewhere else. I knew going on this trip would have an impact on me, but I didn't know to what extent. And I sure didn't think my experiences would have an impact on my Christmas decorating.

Since being home I have jumped right into some joyous events: a best friend's wedding and Thanksgiving, followed by a day of Christmas decorating (today) with my roommate. But as adrenaline crashes and emotions surge, I'm finding it harder and harder to muster a cheery and festive disposition. My thoughts are being enveloped by the people and country I have left just a few days ago.

It's so weird to have a place that's so far away feel so much like home. I know I don't look like I fit in, but it felt like I did. For one of the first times in a long time I felt a different sort of peace. The comfort of where I am right now is one of God's "you're being obedient and you're where you need to be." The assurance while I was there was more of a "this is what I was made for". And to leave that, well, it feels like you left your soul and your heart. Simply, it hurts.

To pick out one special moment from the limited 8 days I was there is absurd. To hone in on one beautiful child that changed me is out of the question. To even ask me to express one favorite thing about the country itself is silly. There is simply no way to narrow down the amount of physical, emotional, and cultural experiences I had in Rwanda to a top 3 list.

Throughout the experiences combined, though, I came to one conclusion: My personal purpose in this life is to come alongside those who have lost hope and help strengthen them through who Jesus Christ has made me to be. To never cease seeing people the way God does; to see people as loved and cherished and created with intentionality and a purpose beyond what our limited view can capture.

There are the questions I left Rwanda with, and oddly enough I have peace with all these questions. I know the questions will lead me somewhere. I know they are God-inspired because they are not overwhelming, but rather hopeful. The questions give me a hope that I am moving somewhere; I just have to pick up my feet and walk despite not knowing all the answers.

Rwanda has stolen my heart, and I hope one day to go back and retrieve it. But until then, I must learn how to "be all here" while walking into the unknown and trusting God will grab my hand and lead me onto the road He's marked out for me.

Hair Extensions, A Yellow Fever Card & 1 Pair of shoes.

In approximately 22 hours I will be leaving one continent with 9 other friends and traveling to another. I have no idea what to expect, nor any basis on which to compare the coming experience to. I know Spanish and understand Pesos; I do not understand Kinyarwanda nor how to calculate the value of a Franc...Francs.... I can't even properly use it in a sentence.
I have tried my best to prepare as well as possible for this trip. I did indeed get hair extensions to be able to put my hair in a ponytail everyday. I had 4 shots put into my arm to make me stand strong against Yellow Fever, Typhoid, Hep A, and Polio. I have Milaria pills to take, and Cipro for that "just in case" scenario.

It's strange to prepare so strategically and intentionally for a place where people live on a daily basis and probably don't use anything that is mandatory for me to have.

I decided to not bring any curling irons, blow dryers or makeup. I am bringing one pair of shoes and a few shirts and pants. How big of me, I know. I'm not meaning for it to sound like that; I'm just looking for as few distractions as possible. I live in America, so I act American, but I'd really rather not. I am genuinely looking forward to not only not knowing what to expect, but also to living simply. I am, quite frankly, not disciplined enough to do it here in the States. My ADD kicks in, and I just excited about everything... and I mean, EVERYthing. Coffee, clothes, running stuff, planners, journals, books, yarn, buttons, bows, mugs, food, etc etc etc! It's crazy. Being constantly surrounded by such materialistically pretty things is kryptonite for someone like me.

I'm beyond excited to find a beauty expressed in people, life, and culture that I cannot find at the Cherry Hill Mall. I am anxious to meet the natives and make a fool of myself because I don't understand their culture. I am curious to hear their stories and to know what their "bubble" consists of.

I know I am where I am for a reason. I really do. I have never had such peace about what I'm doing and where I am. I know God has called me, as well as every believer, to share His Love, and I'm trying my best to do it wherever I am. And I know that when, or if, the time comes that God nudges me in the direction of moving overseas, that it will be timely and right. But for now I have these 10 days, and I am desperate for them.

I have a funny feeling that this trip to Rwanda will go by too fast. I'm pretty sure that the people will help me more than I will help them. And I'm almost positive I will want to stay. But no matter what the outcome, the trip is happening for a reason, and the most I can expect is to serve.

I need more than I have.

As Juliana Theory so well puts it, we're all just a shell of a man. Empty. Full of really nothing good.

Tonight I had an experience that made me realize that nothing good of myself is of me. When I'm pushed to the end of my rope, my natural reaction isn't love. And when your natural reaction isn't love, well then I think it's safe to assume the love you display isn't natural.

Love spans a multitude of actions: patience, faithfulness, caring, selflessness, goodness, etc. So when I say "love", please know I mean many things.

Throughout our lives, individually and corporately, I think a main purpose might very well be to have love become as natural as humanly possible. To have love not become merely a reactive feeling, but a state of being.

You can be sympathetic, and not love. You can be empathetic, and not love. Even worse, you can say you love, and not even touch the reality of what the word entails.

I am empty. You are empty. And I fear we will stay empty until we allow Love to fill our very souls.

Do not let your love become a reaction; let your love be your beating heart and ever-rising and falling lungs. Allow the One who is Love to love through you.

I need more than I have, because I alone have nothing. But He, He has, and is, everything.

always here, never there.

So, if you're anything like me, you hate the question "how are you?" I don't so much hate the question, actually, but I hate the question because of the response.

following? good.

I was asked by a friend tonight (whom I hadn't seen in a while) how I was doing, and as I started to respond, my answer was shaped something like this:

"I'm good... really good. Nothings new, and usually that would bother me, but it doesn't right now because I know I'm where I need to be".

Why is it that when things are the same it appears that life is bad? You ask someone how life is going and the response "Oh, you know, just working, doing the same thing, blah blah..." brings about a sense of lazy contentment, not commended commitment. Lack of excitement perhaps? yes. But doesn't it seem that we condemn the art of committing and living a sturdy life at the same time?

I don't even know who I am right now writing this, honestly. I feel like these words are SO contrary to my nature... MY nature. Not God's.

I believe in seasons, and I don't just mean autumn and spring. I write this to encourage those of you who are putting your hand to the plow and living out the daily duty of the ordinary (as Oswald Chambers would say). I'm there, and I'm not always fond of being there. I'd rather be traveling and "seeing the world". But there is value in staying still.

What's the point in seeing the world if you can't see whats right in front of you? How can you understand the bigness around you without first understanding the foundation on which it is contingent upon?

Again, I believe in seasons. I know that God allows seasons of staying still and moving. Of floating and of being structured. But I'm trying to not look forward to moving too much, and focus on how to live where I AM, not where I WILL be. Because like my dad always says...

"you're never there, you're always here. Because by the time you're there, you're here".

bubbleless

There are approximately 143-210 million orphans worldwide (according to UNICEF stats). In America alone, there are 700.000 - 2 million homeless people.

These are the 'bubbleless' among us. The ones who do not have the comfort and confines of a "safe place", and experience daily the bumping of our bubbles into their lives. These children and adults do not have the privilege that many of us who are blessed with bubbles do.

See, it's hitting me that we are merely millions of bubbles all within one huge one. We have limitations, and therefore are within the confines of something greater than ourselves. We are flesh living in bubbles that exist in a much, MUCH greater spiritual world. One that we cannot even comprehend most of the time. Why is it that when we look into the eyes of a woman or man sitting on the side of the street, helpless and begging, that it pierces our very soul? What about their situation affects our hearts so much that we have to look away? Does giving a dollar or whatever change that's lying around really cure the panging in our hearts, or does it merely numb the pain enough so that we can convince ourselves that we've done our part...

I write this with more conviction in my soul than anything. I've been struggling with this concept for weeks, because if lived, it will change the way my bubble looks and feels, and I like it the way it is. I help, I do things... but it just isn't the same.

"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you" -James 1:27

Religion has become a dirty word, but its original intent is not at all what it has been made to be. The way of Jesus and following Him is to take care of those who don't have bubbles. In other words, those who get pushed to the side (by our bubbles) every day, who get charity thrown at them, but no [real]care offered. Not even the decency of a place of their own to stay and hide. They sit on the streets and are forced to expose their lives in front of everyone... there's really no option.

Then there's me, in all my bubble glory. I've always wondered why I've had a "lucky" life. It's not luck... I know I have been blessed by God, and I've struggled with why I have and not others. It doesn't seem fair... but I think I'm learning. I'm learning that what's NOT fair is that I am blessed with this life, and I don't go on to share.

"To whom much is given, much is required"

Luke 12:48

I need to care more, and I don't mean just a feeling. True caring leads to action. Just as faith without deeds is dead, so is giving without love.

"Cure without care makes us preoccupied with quick changes, impatient and unwilling to share each other's burden. And so cure can often become offending instead of liberating"

Henri Nouwen

I see an image in my head of a person reaching out from their bubble to a person who is bubbleless. The bubbleless sense an excitement of being invited in, but instead the person who is inside their bubble hands them a dollar bill, and quickly pulls their hand back inside to their safety zone. Often times the blessed assume its enough to give of their resources, when really we need to offer a place of comfort and love.

Work with me here:

Imagine yourself sitting inside of a bubble. Just do it. There? OK, now look outside that bubble... you're bound to notice something strange. Well, perhaps not so strange, because it's actually something quite familiar: you.

I mentioned in my last blog how a lot of times things look different from the confines of our own bubbles, and a large part of that is because when we are in "our worlds" we can't move past ourselves. When we go to look outside our worlds we still are inclined to see only ourselves because that's what happens when we refuse to let our bubbles merge or, better yet, pop. The more merging of bubble worlds we do, the more reflections appear. The more reflections that appear, the more points of view and "others thinking" emerges. The more "others thinking" that emerges, the more unselfishness is produced. And the more unselfishness produced, well, the more love explodes.

My friend was talking tonight about how over the years she has begun looking at people differently. When we were younger it was so easy to say "oh, i like him or her" (platonic speaking) while now it's so much more complicated. I think it's because we've gotten into this mindset of discovering ourselves, which is all fine and dandy until we begin to see only ourselves when we look at others. Think about it... we sit in our bubbles all day and when we bump into another bubble something funny happens. We peer out as best we can to see who's inside, but all the while blocked by our own reflection and insecurities. I read this the other day...

"But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that someday someone will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe... this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing... and so, when our actions have become more an expression of fear than of inner freedom, we easily become the prisoners of our self-created illusions. "

Henri Nouwen

These bubble worlds can soon become a prison of our "self-created illusions" that skew and distort the way life could be if we shared our insecurities and creativeness with each other. It begins one person at a time. One merging of a life with another. Obviously the greatest of merges is marriage. The two becoming one, and constantly giving of each other's "world" for the other, so much that there are not 2 worlds anymore, but one larger one that encompasses both the individuals. You make room for each other.

We need to make room for each other in our lives. We need to allow more room for more reflections to be seen. More ideas to be known. More lives to be loved. Aren't you tired of looking at yourself all the time?

I am.

bumper cars and bubbles

Today was one of those days when, while driving, everyone was ticking me off. That's not extremely uncommon, being as I am among those "jersey drivers". But today was slightly different. It was as if everyone around me was purposely cutting me off, going slow, or just driving stupid. Even while trying to food shop I kept thinking to myself : "THIS IS NOT BUMPER CARS".

yeah, one of those.

So, as I was food shopping, my mind kept leaping back to my "bubble thoughts", as I affectionately call them now. I realized I was getting so frustrated when someone was just bending over in the aisle... the whoooole aisle mind you... and not aware I was trying to get by. I suppose its not that big of a deal, but after 3 aisles with people blocking? Well, that was just annoying. Yes, I'm well aware of my impatient temperament at this point. (Side note? never food shop when you're starving and cranky. Especially when you're cranky from hunger.) So as I'm trying to get myself to breathe as though I'm in labor, it dawns on me that I've fallen into a certain bubble syndrome that I have spent so much time condemning in my own thoughts. That of- "I'M trying to do something, and YOU'RE in my way". When we plan our days and actions, we don't really account for the woman blocking the aisle, or the car cutting us off, or the cashier lady who doesn't really know what she's doing. I guess it's unrealistic to be able to plan for them specifically, but I think that there's got to be a way to plan generally.

I love the Hillsong song that has this chorus:

"In my life, be lifted high

In our world, be lifted high

In our love, be lifted high"

The progression is that of as we grow spiritually... in MY life to OUR world, to OUR love.

When we let people into our lives, it's going to feel uncomfortable. Just as when you blow a balloon and begin to make it bigger, the walls get thinner, the pressure is evident. So it is in our lives when we make adjustments for others to join our personal bubbles.

I have a phrase I use a lot that I kind of stole from a 5 year old. "In my world... _____ (fill in the blank)". In my personal world rules are different than yours. But when we begin to care for people genuinely and let them into our worlds, the rules conflict and tensions rise, mainly because we have to learn to let a lot of our rules go. I am annoyed by that person because she's preventing me from doing what I had planned on doing in a timely manner.

suck it up.

I need to let my bubble grow, deal with the growing pains, let her inside my world for as long as she needs to be there, and let life take it's course. The resistance to growth will cause more pain in the end than the flexibility to allow your bubble to increase in patience and size.

"In my world" suddenly becomes "In our world"... and that, I believe, leads to Love.

There is no better proof of love, of all kinds, than to adjust for the needs of others. It's setting aside our personal rules and regulations to make room for someone else...and someone else...and someone else...

And remember, your view of the world is often distorted from the confines of your bubble. The imagery is skewed and the sizes vary. Some people's worlds are very small still, while others have started expanding. Some don't even realize they have a bubble at all.