every little thing is gonna be allright.

I'm realizing now more than ever how much i don't do, or even do, because of what other people think. It's scary, actually, the stuff that I hold back from. Decisions for little everday things to pretty monumental choices are constantly being battled in my head. I look at every decision from every point of view, and no matter what I decide to do, I disappoint somebody.
I'm almost 24 years old, and I'm finally realizing how crucial it is to get control of this issue, or I will lose my life to other people's thoughts.
How narcassistic as well is this? That I would think other people are scrutinizing my life so closley...it's sickening to my stomach actually to realize that this is who I'm on the road to becoming. But I can stop it.
Little changes, here and there. Soon little changes produce big changes.
I like who I am, and I'd like to embrace it. There's just one person who I need to try and please, and even He doesn't ask much of me. Just love Him and others. He'll take it from there.

I want to write this as an encouragment mainly... It's never too late to change. We're constantly on the path to becoming who we will be, and as long as we're open to scrutinize our little bubbles and accept changes, I think every little thing is gonna be allright.
(humming.)

the beginning of a very long journey

It's obvious that we don't have much choice in who we are born to, adopted by, or how we are raised. Yet the way we are brought up in this world (our influences, family life, religious beliefs, etc) determines much of our outlook on life. But that's not to say its the sole factor. You can observe many families who raise children the same exact way and yet each child grows up to live life differently from the rest. So what does that elude to?

We have, as individual people, personality traits. (You can thank me for that shocking and not obvious thought later.) These traits lead us in life; they become our nemeses and our strengths, our motives and regrets, and the reasons why people love you and, quite possibly, hate you. From birth they reveal themselves. There's the logical 5 year old, or the 3 year old who can sing on pitch. There's the baby that's prone to dominate over its twin... which brings me to the point of this.

Isaac, son of Abraham, bore two sons: Jacob and Esau. Genesis 25:22-27 says:

"But the 2 children struggled with each other in her [Rebekah's] womb....The Lord told her, 'The sons in your womb will become to nations. From the very beginning, the two nations will be rivals... and your older son will serve your younger son'...As the boys grew up, Esau became a skillful hunter. He was an outdoorsman, but Jacob had a quiet temperament, preferring to stay at home".

On my journey to discover the balance between predestination and freewill as a believer in Jesus Christ, I am hit with this thought (which is subject to change):

Who we are and how we are brought into the world is planned.

The things in life we will have to struggle with and the things that will be easy to overcome are no surprise to the Creator, because He intentionally created it to be as such. It's how we choose to react to ourselves and what we're given that is our choice.

I'm well aware that it seems easier for some to believe in God. I don't understand why, but I believe that God may present himself more vividly and clearly to some and others. As far as Biblical examples go, take Paul. Who can argue with a blinding light and an audible voice from heaven? Yet there are some of us who beg for a whisper and are lucky to get that. I think that the ones Jesus calls in such a grand manner serve as an encouragement to those who are begging for that whisper. This is another conversation though, and work calls.

bubbles pt. 2?

I'm back on bubbles. I can't help it. They just visually explain life so well for me...

So, I was thinking this morning how there are so many people we see everyday, yet have no memory of or with whom we have no interaction. And that got me thinking about bubbles. I'm sure this analogy could work with various amounts of things, but apparently I'm partial to the magic of bubbles. I guess that's the 5 year old in me.

anyway.

There are so many people around us and we're so disconnected, yet we impact each other's worlds all of the time. Our bubbles may never meld into one, and we may never even blend bubbles for a little bit and then tear apart, but we affect each other. Think about when bubbles float. If I am floating here, you can't. If your bubble is growing in size, you are inevetibly taking up space that I may have desired to be. So even though we have no personal relationship, you just existing and living life in your bubble is affecting mine. Like I said earlier, this illustration can be demonstrated by many other objects, but there is something unique about this demonstration with bubbles: we can connect. Your bubble may be preventing me from being somewhere by myself, but that's not to say I cannot join in your world. It's just that do we want to? I don't know about you, but melding bubbles for me is not always the easiest of things. In some ways it is, in the fun ways. The sharing of stories, hobbies, interests, but not when it gets down to the nitty gritty situations. Not when being part of your bubble requires me to be there for you when life gets hard, or when you need to borrow money because things in your world aren't going as well. That's when sometimes we feel like our bubbles are popping and we're losing control. Which we are, because we've chosen to let someone else into our world, and we've in turn stepped into theirs.

Staying in your own bubble is possible. It's probably the most convenient and easy actually. But while you feel like you're in control, you're actually the one being bumped around by the other bubbles joining. I hope this is making sense. I wish I could show a video, but I'll stick for hoping this is not just rambling.

It's a risk to join bubbles and worlds. But without this risk you choose to live being bumped around by other people. They're essentially controlling where you can and cannot be. But to be apart of something, apart of a bigger world, to invite people into your life, and to learn how to genuinely care for other people... well, I think that sounds kind of nice.

It's when I trust the unknown that I am most secure and stable. It's when I question far beyond what I can ever hope to understand that my whole being is turned upside down and my soul hurts. That's the only way to explain it. My soul feels like it's ripping outside of itself and begging me to just believe.

Why is it when I trust the unknown that I am at peace? I guess just because it's unknown doesn't make it unreal. The unimaginable doesn't equal impossible, nor does the non-comprehensible outweigh the reality of everything that IS.

Trust is not a feeling. Same as love. CS Lewis describes it in such a way that one can never choose to promise to feel a certain thing forever. Nor can I make a onetime decision to trust what I want to believe. No, it is indeed a daily, hourly, minutely, and continuing decision to keep trusting in the unknown. trusting in the One that has existed before anything that I can understand was created.

Feelings have absolutely nothing to do with it. Frankly, I haven't felt much in months. But I know I'm not alone, and that as I write these words, the I AM that I have chosen to serve is here. I'm choosing to know. Choosing to believe. When I don't, I am just not myself.

flit with perseverance

Today I had a conversation with a friend, and it went something like this:

(my friend):

I'm not proud of myself. I just feel like a failure... like I'm the person that people are always saying 'hey look, he/she has started something again and hasn't finished it...will he/she ever grow up?' and I'm just so frustrated. So many people can identify themselves with somebody or something, what they do, what they like, and I don't have anything to identify myself with, and that makes me sad. But there are just so many things that I want to do. And so when one doesn't happen immediately, i go onto the next, all the while feeling like a failure at the one I didn't finish"

My friend might as well have been myself. We are very much alike, and he/she has put into words my sentiments exactly. People like my friend and myself have lots of ideas, and Im sure there are more of us. More of us people who genuinely want to do so many different things because there is beauty in all of them. When did this get so looked down upon? When did we need to start identifying ourself with one thing? I don't mean to say that if you have found something that you love and do well, that that's bad! It's just that not everyone can, and those of us that seem to "flit" from one thing to the next are just doing so because we get excited so easily.

I will say, though, that I recognize it's dangers; the dangers of "flitting". My dad said once that passion is overrated. Being the passionate person I am, I was infuriated to say the least. But as he continued to talk, I started to listen... Passion is a great motivator and starter, but it is perseverance that carries it through. This applies to anything in life, and especially to us "flitters." We all have something to learn, whether we're the stablest or the most free-spirited.

So to encourage the flitters, flit with perseverance. I believe we may make life a little chaotic and hard to manage at times, but we also add to life. We can show people how to create and live a little differently, and in turn we can learn how to be perseverant and stick things out from the others.

It's all about balance. always.

strive for balance

"strive for balance" was a phrase we heard a lot growing up in my household. i suppose you could say we're a bit on the extremist side of things, and very passionate about being right or wrong. i suppose lots of people are. i never gave much thought about balance until recently.

i have always struggled with the idea of pre-destination and free will. i know what i believe, but the other side still shouted at me as scripture after scripture supports each argument. there is much i could say on the topic, but i have recently come to the conclusion that striving for balance has a lot more to do with spirituality than i ever thought.

balance in:

free will vs. predestination

a Sovereign God vs. man's choices

childlike faith vs. acting childlike

financial resposibility vs. responsibly trusting God financially

Gods wrath vs. Gods love

the list could go on, and were I in a more frame of mind to keep writing, i would elaborate. I have theories about many of these things, and they are indeed keeping my brain busy these days.

other things occupying brain space?

well, i began to type and deleted. thats for another day.. .im tired. ill expand another day... until then, i'll leave you with one more phrase from the Greco household:

"yes i have gum, no you cant have any".

i never applied that one very often.

bubble worlds

we all have bubbles.  they are personal bubbles that are unseen by the naked eye, but ever so present.  sometimes we speak of them, but rarely in seriousness.  Many of us are offended throughout life because these bubbles are invaded, and many of us offend because we are the ones invading. we are often unaware of these intrusions because the size of every persons bubble varies. but, whether we like it or not, the more people we encounter, the larger the bubbles become; the bubbles join, and sometimes become one.  

Think back to the last time you played with bubbles.  you blow a bubble, catch it on the wand, and sometimes proceed to blow another bubble...the bubbles either join and create a larger bubble, or they are "siamese bubbles".  Either way, they are connected.  and then, on occasion, the bubbles pop.... and that's when life gets tricky.  

many of us go through life disgruntled because of outward intrusions on our bubbles...things that 'invade" our bubble world.  people come into our life whom we wish weren't there or something as simple as someone standing too close to you in line.   the interesting thing though is that everyone has them, and its when youre aware of its existence in your life, you begin to feel annoyed when others dont respect it.  keep in mind that your bubble may very well be popping their world as well...

there really isn't much left of this thought process about bubbles other than this thought: what if we lived life trying to break out of our personal bubbles?  or, even letting other bubbles combine with ours to create something new? 

for some reason, this analogy with bubbles has helped me deal with people better, because we have no idea what's inside a person's bubble.  i hope it helps you too.